i hope your weekend was relaxing and full of rest. mine was full of friends, bbqs, showers, and listening to a great message at church. when i decided to write a post today, i was going to write about music i was digging lately. but as i began to write my first sentence, it just felt so wrong. i don't know how to describe it. the sentences didn't seem right. instead, i thought about the message from church. and the sentences just flowed out. one after another. something i've noticed about a lot of blogs is that many bloggers don't necessarily discuss religion, which is fine by all means. when caitlin and i first talked about our blog, one of the main topics we wanted to write and discuss about was our faith. our faith is important to both of us and while it may repel some of you readers, it has shaped us into who we are today. so, having said that, you can either "command t" us (hah for you mac users) and skip this blog post or continue reading!
one thing that has been tugging my heart lately is my lack of fire for God. even as i write this, i feel as if what i've admitted is some kind of heresy. instead, i need to go back and delete this post, write about what i ate today, and post an instagram picture of it.
i've started to notice that i've been pushing God out of my thoughts and have been completely focusing on me. what will i be doing once i graduate? what should i do this weekend? what do i need to do right now? how will this affect me- will it be beneficial to me?
on sunday, the message stemmed from revelation 1-2:7. revelation 2:2 says"i know your works, your toil and your patient endurance...i know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name's sake and you have not grown weary." and when i read that my first reaction was "kind of true, yeah God! it's hard being a christian in montreal! i help serve with campus ministry! i help out with small groups, i volunteer for this..." but if you continue reading it says "but i have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first."
i was floored. convicted - the kind where your heart drops to your stomach. but this conviction was not a conviction based on fear (of God), but was in the form of the sweetest conviction ever- is that a paradox or what? it really hit me how much i loved the world and what it offers. my citizenship was on earth and not in heaven. oh how i valued my family and friends opinions. how much love i have for earthly treasures. how much i loved myself.
i began to think about the last time i was on fire for God. it was hard and i had to swallow my pride because, you know what, i can't remember because its been a really long time. i've abandoned the love i had for jesus.
basically, what i'm trying to say is that my relationship with God is not exactly perfect. i stumble and fall, and a lot of times, don't want to get up. like, refuse status. but i know that God is patiently lending his hand for me to hold on to so i can get back on my feet. amazing how sweet and vast God's grace is. how much he pursues me.
this post, or essay i should call it, isn't meant for you to think - oh ej, who does she think she is? trying to show off how much of a christian she is? no. i just felt compelled to write it because i wanted to reveal how raw and fragile my relationship with God can be. no one's relationship with him is perfect. we're not perfect. we are weak, sinful, and selfish. losing sight of this makes you think you are okay without God. and that, my friends, is a scary situation to be in.